The Traditional Funeral is a Dying Institution
When blogger and author, John Pavlovitz, posted a simple question on his social media page, he attracted in three weeks a surprising 350,000 responses. His question was: “What song would you like played at your funeral?”
The question attracted a significant amount of gallows humor, indicating that we still find it hard to look death in the face. Responses of this type included Pop Goes the Weasel (“to a closed casket”), Staying Alive! Another One Bites the Dust, Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, Return to Sender, and Can’t Always Get What You Want. One person has opted for Highway to Hell and Stairway to Heaven to cover all their bases. Other requests were for “anything that will be released in 2160 will do” and Mahler’s Third Symphony to “make everyone wait!”
Predictably, there were a large number of hymns and religious songs such as golden oldies, How Great Thou Art, Amazing Grace, It is Well With My Soul (an American favorite), Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing, A Mighty Fortress is our God, Be Thou My Vision, For All the Saints and Abide With Me. This might be in keeping with those who still believe “a funeral is a dignified, religious ceremony to bring comfort to loved ones, not a rock concert nor a joke.” There was a range of more recent religious songs such as You Raise Me Up (the Josh Groban version), Lord Make Me an Instrument of Your Peace and I, the Lord of Sea and Sky (Here I am Lord).
There was a growing number of pop songs selected including In My Life by the Beatles (also a choice for many weddings), Beautiful Day by U2 (“One love, one life… we get to carry each other.”), Now I can Dance by Tina Arena, Cat Stevens singing in ‘Harold and Maude’ (“If you want to sing out, sing out; if you want to be free, be free…”), You’ll Never Walk Alone, Who Wants to Live Forever by Queen, Let it Be, Somebody to Love, Rod Stewart’s Forever Young, John Lennon’s Imagine, James Taylor’s Fire and Rain and Shower the People with Love, The Parting Glass and Norman Greenbaum’s Spirit in the Sky. Important to many is the version of the recording sung by a much-loved singer or band. The music selection thanks to YouTube or Spotify and the means to play the songs has expedited the move away from congregational singing to listening and reflecting to recorded music. Some have voted for the playing of instrumental pieces like Gabriel’s Oboe from The Mission.
Notable was the move away from the somber and solemn to creating a celebratory and joyful mood by the singing or playing of songs such as Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens (“to remind people that each day in their life is precious”), Louis Armstrong’s What a Wonderful World, Judy Garland’s Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen, Turn, Turn, Turn by The Byrds or the Seekers, Ludwig Beethoven’s Ode to Joy and Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus from the Messiah. For most people the choice of songs is what shapes the degree of solemnity or celebration although one person responded, “Songs!? I don’t want no stinking song. I want wailing and rending of cloth and gnashing of teeth.”
Some of the songs like My Way sung by Frank Sinatra, would highlight the style and manner of the newly deceased.
John Pavlovitz’s question has revealed that many people have worked out their order of service with their songs, versions specified, readings and participants listed. These last wishes are stored in wills or folders marked, “When it Happens.
Many of the responses to song selection revealed the wishes of many not to have a funeral but to “take my ashes and scatter them” in a much-loved mountain site or into the sea. Other ‘no funeral families’ prefer an open house to which anyone (or only family and friends) is invited “to stop by, eat and share memories.” Sometimes this option was selected after a long and weary illness, because it requires less organization or the mourners can be more at peace in their own home rather than in public. Several people preferred scheduling a funeral many weeks after the death of a loved one, when they are in a better emotional state rather than feeling that the funeral has to be planned under pressure and with great urgency.
Many of these proposals highlight a move by people to break from funeral traditions, take oversight of events from clergy and funeral directors and plan events on their own terms. Dispensing with professionals can lead to a mishmash of a gathering that goes on interminably and painfully. Some, however, have funeral wishes that exhibit skill at funeral planning. Some substitutes include a wake, a ‘celebration of life party’. Much better to allow people to write their own guidelines for honoring the deceased and giving comfort to the family. Even conventional funerals with a casket and pallbearers are being replaced by private committals and a memorial celebration. For many the turn from a ‘standard funeral’ comes from a desire to have a celebration of life in a casual or informal environment.
Some like the way a funeral can help process grief while others state that funerals haven’t given them the expected comfort and closure.
Have a think of the question “What song would you like played at your funeral?” It might help you to clarify your wishes about the shape and style of the rest of the event.
Geoff Pound
geoffpound@gmail.com
Photo by Sam Mogadam on Unsplash.